Without a Pillow

Yeah, I don’t wanna live for tomorrow, I push my life today

M.I.A. – Born Free 

Today I woke up in a panic. I was in that space between awake and sleep, some call it meditative and some say its a hypnotic state. In this moment before waking a single thought tossed me out of bed , odd since I sleep on the floor.  The thought was that soon, very soon I would be going on this journey and I would not have a pillow. A ridiculous thought since, 1) There should be no reason I can not pack a pillow. 2) Not having pillow will be the least of my problems.

I will be living mostly in a tent, my only job will consist of cycling for eight hours a day, finding shelter and documenting  my adventure and findings.   I will be at the mercy of the elements and the forces of nature. I face self-imposed unemployment, hopefully finding odd jobs along the way.

There will be no soft bed, no steady pay check, every where I go I will be a stranger. I will be exploring an exotic alien landscape, far-flung from the tropical urban Caribbean island environment I know so well. Even poor and homeless and out of my element in Puerto Rico I had an idea how to get along. I knew my people and my island well.

Here I am more the stranger. My advantage is I speak like the locals but I don’t think like the locals. My disadvantage is years and years of being taught what I am doing is wrong. Only the white, well paid, clean-cut

citizen can take such a trip. With their pro touring bikes, and strict itinerary. Only vagabonds travel broke and unemployed. It has been nice years having two relatively pleasant years in Portland. But soon it will be time to remove the cast to flex the wings and leap. I may sink but I am sure I will swim. There is no fail, I am setting out for adventure and stories and I will find them as sure as death. I will learn things and know things and share things great.

I spent a month researching Portland before I moved here and it still surprises me more than two years later.  I research the places I will visit the roads I will travel and my mind struggles to imagine what I am in for.

I have abandoned all hope of becoming financially wealthy, in fact I don’t care for it. Money is a shitty girlfriend (or boyfriend or partner) that promises you everything is going to be ok and your safe and warm forever as long as you have her. So you work extra hard and struggle to keep around and keep her safe but she does so little. Then one day she’s gone. Your sad and miserable and planned your whole life around her. But she is gone. Eventually you can’t do enough to keep her around. Your whole life your taught how you need her and need to set your life to having her and keeping her. The truth is you don’t need her, she’s not even real. All you need is whats in your head.

All my wealth is the stuff in my brain, and I stand to lose all that one day, but those days will be my last days anyways. There will always be girlfriends and money but you are a limited edition.

The pillow was a symbol of all I was taught to invest my heart in, stability, a steady check, a consistent place to sleep, a good job, children, a wife, healthcare and a car. I hope on my journey to undo some of that impulse. I want  a steady tribe, to consistently rest well, some good crops, help raise children to be strong, courageous and loving, a steady partner but to be able to love and be myself, to stay healthy and take care of myself and others, and a good bike. I wouldn’t turn down a camel or a mule but a bike is good.

Let go of the safety blanket, there are no monsters under your bed, home is where the heart is, eat all your veggies, go outside and do something, stay in read a book, take your naps, be happy and live well.

I finally feel useful, now it is time to go out and explore. I came to far ( 3704mi = 5961.0km) to slice any ones meat and make sandwiches and live happily ever after. There is so much I have to see and do. Call me late bloomer but never now than never. I can pack a pillow but my brain can figure out how to make one couldn’t it?

No one can repo your knowledge. Not yet anyways. What you want can be manifested. Are you willing to take that path?

Am I?

Pillow Fight by ~superdot
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