“God knows ’twere better to be deep 15
Pillowed in silk and scented down,
Where love throbs out in blissful sleep,
Pulse nigh to pulse, and breath to breath,
Where hushed awakenings are dear…
But I’ve a rendezvous with Death”
121. “I Have a Rendezvous with Death” Alan Seeger. 1888–1916
On my bike ride tonight I realized I have a natural tendency to run to danger. especially conflicts of a violent nature but mostly anything where the odds where against me. Even as a small child I would run into my parents fights yelling into my fathers ears as I dangled from his neck with my little arms. Then there was that little domestic dispute that woke me up and I could not ignore. That one I nearly got my self dead. After living a life that didn’t feel worth living I tried to keep myself ready and open for a good death.
My life has improved a lot in the last year and a half but there is still a little bit of that readiness to die. Do not get me wrong, my will to live is greater but it I can not help but be drawn to the flames (literally and figuratively). However it hard not to seek out and adventure, especially one that is a one way trip. Keep in mind my ticket to Portland was also one way. I was not Moving back to Puerto Rico without a fight or at all.
I hope to have a death that is worth it and useful for others, but in the meantime I am living without much fear trying to have a useful life. It would be nice to go out with a bang that creates or preserves life but I am going to try to live that way. I will try to live a glorious life, the glorious death is just for consistency.